My Connecticut bit.
I went to school in Boston and later moved to New York, so like many folks of the megalopolis, I’ve spent a lot of time on busses stuck in traffic between the two. The problem, I’m sure you’ll agree, is Connecticut.
On a map, Connecticut looks tiny. It’s shorter than Long Island? But when you drive through it, you realize there is just a lot of Connecticut taking up space between New York and Boston. It would be one thing if there was anything at all happening in Connecticut, but it’s Connecticut. The sidewalks close at 9pm, everything’s flat, and the beaches don’t even lay upon a real ocean.
One night at a party (in Boston), a few of us came up with the obvious solution: slice Connecticut out of the earth, send it to space, and move New York and Massachusetts closer together.
In addition to solving the immediate problem of making the drive between New York and Boston faster and more pleasant, this solution has a number of obvious benefits:
I think we can all agree the night sky is a little boring with just the one moon. Don’t get me wrong, I love the moon, but it’s a little lonely up there and most planets seem to have more moons than us. So why shouldn’t we have at least two? The sky, and frankly entire planet, would be much more interesting. Let’s do it: Moon II.
By shooting a Connecticut-sized chunk of coastal land into space, we’ll make more space for water to collect, helping stem the tide of sea level rise. Is this a sustainable long-term solution to climate change? No. But we have to keep all options on the table, and I think we should consider the merits of sending a pretty forgettable state to space if it buys the planet much-needed time.
Ever heard of it? No? Well now you have, because it’s the first university in space! Trust me, Yale will love this distinction.
You’ll know a great pizza place in New New Haven.
This is a new one a coworker pointed out today: Connecticut’s official state motto is Qui transtulit sustinet, or, “He who transplanted still sustains.” How perfect is that for the first state shot into space?
When I’m President, we will end the tyranny of Connecticut by sending it into outer space.
P.S. No offense Connecticut…ians? I know you, I love you, it’s all in good fun. And I know you agree.