Wanted: Late Capitalist Tech Worker

We are seeking a highly motivated and extremely intelligent individual to dig into the minutiae of a tiny, mostly boring problem that we have identified as vital to our business because, at our unfathomable scale, even a minuscule improvement will lead to millions of dollars in extra profit for our stock-compensated executives and investors.

Core Responsibilities

• Quickly learn the ins and outs of your team’s small niche within the organization, knowledge that is completely useless outside the remarkably narrow world of our company’s core business.

• Help your team accomplish its OKRs by driving KPIs such as automating key product lines, reducing FTEs, and securing offshore partnerships without stopping to consider whether our obsession with reducing your output to quantifiable, acronimified metrics is, in part, a tactic to obscure the fact that you will ultimately eliminate your own job.

• Organize numerous meetings with a cross-functional group of key stakeholders, the majority of which will be re-scheduled minutes before or after they are set to begin, and none of which will actually lead to any decisions or discernible progress.

• Without being explicitly instructed, spend 30–40% of your time learning to play the political game behind our supposedly unbiased performance review system that actually determines who climbs the corporate ladder and who gets stuck as a high-level IC.

• Passionately debate the ethical and legal implications of the questionable work you find yourself contributing to before ultimately deciding that helping the company accomplish its lofty mission statement justifies the destruction of your moral compass, even if your work appears to be completely unrelated to that mission.

About You

You will succeed in this position if you have demonstrated an ability to sufficiently sublimate the banality of existence at a company like ours in exchange for perks that create a false sense of stability and progressivism. We have no specific requirements for this role and encourage anyone who believes they could succeed to apply, but other people in this role whom you will talk to as part of the interview process have the following characteristics:

• 5–10 years of experience in the exact role they are currently filling, despite the fact that it has only been in existence for 3 years

• A list of extremely specific technical skills that they appear to have been born with

• An impressive-sounding degree from Harvard, Stanford, MIT, or a very expensive small liberal arts college

About Us

We strive to be the world’s leading company at coercing billions of people into over-paying for our objectively useful, but quite limited, core product with hours of their attention and nearly unlimited access to their personal data. We have succeeded at functionally cornering this market, putting us in a monopolistic position that has allowed us to expand into other, more interesting product areas that we use in our advertising and recruiting material to make potential employees like you more excited about the opportunity of working for us than they should be. Although we theoretically offer employees pathways to much more exciting and impactful jobs than this one, most of them are highly experimental or not revenue-generating and thus are very competitive or tragically underfunded.

We pay competitive salaries for a marketplace that we have artificially constrained via an illegal anti-poaching agreement with our competitors. We offer seemingly incredible but historically quite pedestrian benefits, including the same mediocre healthcare you get anywhere in the U.S., 401(k) matching that is not a pension, daily free meals that are not union-mandated lunch breaks, snack rooms that allow you to take fewer and shorter breaks, unlimited PTO that no one actually uses, exercise and game rooms, and a sense of connection with your coworkers we call culture but is actually just the inevitable result of spending 8–12 hours per day with the same people for years without ever leaving the building during work hours.

We are an equal opportunity employer. All applicants will be considered for employment without attention to race, color, religion, sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, national origin, veteran or disability status. Despite this, roughly 60% of our company is white, 70% male, and we release only vague statements about our efforts to improve our diversity and aggregated employment data to demonstrate progress that obscures the fact that things are worse if you filter our workforce data by role or salary.